Changing

I've been sick for almost 2 month, and for that long, I've been changed, Sometimes I really don't understand my self, it was weird... When u get sick, u will really down, and always ask why I have to through this? why?? why I don't deserve well and happy?

All my life, I never felt that happy, I realize that I don't know what's make me happy, why happiness don't want be friend with me, I felt really desperate sometime, this disease really change me? I don't want this personality, that make me more introvert, sensitive, trust issue, hate social life, loner and being a negative person.. Previously I was a positive one, have a big spirit, and hard worker.....I really miss my old one...

Now, I see people from how they look,how they act, even how they smile, I became a judgemental person, I really hate my self...Sometimes I think I really want to stand apart, to reflect what I was doin for 29 years in my life....I really don't hope that somebody else could understand me, and accept me who I am to be.... I just thinking all of this years people wearing a mask, including me maybe, and all they do is a such a drama.....

People changes, so don't be sad, just face it..and accept the fact that I'm changing too. All this years, I became old, and so many fears, that was old people issue rite? When I think about future, I feel afraid, because now I'm a sick person, how could I face the future if I have limitation? All my dream like a nightmare right now...



I really hate having medicine everyday, but I have to, coz I really want to recover and back like old times..Sometimes I really envy that other people can reach their dreams easily...I feel like a loser who has a big dream but just weak to reach it.



I don't need your pity though, even I'm weak, that was not okay if u pity at me at all....I can stand by myself. I understand now, why sick people avoid their friends, their social life, just because they don't want any pity from somebody else.. that was my feelings.


Today I went to hospital to check what going on in my body, from sunday I felt pain in my left chest, I'm afraid that likuid still inside my left lung..I consider to go to Jakarta for advanced examination, but I have to think about money too, that must be a lot of money to spend..


This writing really make me relieve that I can write my feelings, and actually I don't really like to share to anyone, just keep it for my self.